UK Telegraph: Madonnas fountain of Youth

Madonna sups deep at the fountain of youth

Madonna will be 50 this year, setting a terrifying new physical
benchmark for women. With dear Madge still on the scene, complete
with her apple-sized rear and biceps like bulldozers, there is no
chance of any of us going gently into that dark pair of elasticated
trousers with the nice, forgiving seams.

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  • Madonna's devotion to the spiritual life of the committed
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    Madonna turns 50 this year
    Madonna: admirable resolve

    By fair means or foul, she has become the poster girl for the kind
    of superior, celestial anti-ageing that only the very best clinics
    can provide, while her reputation as the dominatrix Duracell bunny
    of the peri-menopausal set remains unchallenged. Respect to the old girl.

    If anyone can convince females that the climacteric is an
    anti-climax then, puff, puff, it is surely going to be
    her-two-three-four. Now repeat 100 times on the other leg.

    How does she do it? According to one of her trainers,
    Madonna's daily workouts involve running, skipping,
    sprinting, toning, pulsing, piking and crunching. Yes, most of us do
    exactly the same every day. When eating a really nice lunch.

    Yet as the 49-year-old's ferocious attempts to stay young,
    vibrant, viable and dairy-free shame us all, we must continue to
    admire any star whose fame has shone so brightly over at least two decades.

    As most celebrities would admit after you showed them the
    appropriate Rorschach ink blots and hit them once or twice with a
    fully charged cattle prod, it is not getting to the top, but having
    the courage and strength to remain there, that is so darned hard. To
    this end, Madonna has proved that she is a woman with the staying
    power and tenacity of a rat stuck up a particularly delicious drainpipe.

    Pop songs. Acting. Budget clothing ranges. Marriage. Charity.
    Adoption of quasi-orphans. Mission to instruct poor African country
    in the ways of Kabbalah. Directing films. Making documentaries. Sex
    goddess until death or bus pass, whichever comes first.

    There is no end to her attempts to find fresh reserves of talent
    within her toned and honed frame. Gotta be good at something, seems
    to be her mantra as she sups deep at the fountain of youth. Yet
    succeed or fail at one or all of these projects, Madonna just keeps
    on going, rising unbowed from every stumble with admirable resolve.

    However, just as all young girls realise that the day will come
    when they must no longer dot their "i"s with little
    hearts, will the moment arrive when Madonna decides that it is no
    longer seemly to cavort in front of the world in the kind of rubber
    knickers Batman's granny might reject as being too kinky?

    Hardly. With her new album, Hard Candy, coming out next month, we
    must wearily prepare ourselves once more for the traditional forced
    erotica of a Madonna publicity blitzkrieg. Honestly, there are
    millions of people out there who are more familiar with her gyrating
    crotch than they are with their own, through no untoward efforts on
    their own part.

    And already Madonna has revealed her new look, which appears to
    comprise not much more than a fluffy bed jacket and a boxer's
    belt over the now ubiquitous incontinence rompers.

    Well, why not? The only 50-year-olds in big pants making headlines
    are either sumo wrestlers or those Lib Dems routinely dragged out of
    fetish dungeons by vice squad officers. Or my friend the lady
    novelist who popped a menopause magnet in her knickers for a respite
    from hot flushes, only to find that it wiped every word of her new
    novel from her laptop. (On the positive side, however, she is now
    pregnant with octuplets.)

    Meanwhile, Madonna continues to fight the anti-ageing battle with
    the zeal of a warrior looking in the whites of the enemy's
    eyes. Will she ever be able to relax and let the ravages of time
    tell their own sweet story? Somehow I doubt it.